8th March 2013
It is time to go home.
It is time to end the doubts and the dreaded life that I have lived from past so many months. If I felt something divine between me and D then I believe there was something divine there and is b/w us. And am not gonna give up on this and feel all the more miserable about my faith and beliefs. D is a part of my spirit and spirits never die. I don’t know if he feels the same way. Of course I know not. But I know that I do and if he has not felt it then he will someday.
This mellow breeze, this smoke and this coffee here consume me. Only I doubt many things and have been doubting. That is not me and never been. It’s really never my cup of tea to doubt. This tea house is surrounded by a nursery of plants, trees and fresh air. It’s beautiful no doubt. But what about the peace within?
I cannot write like those writers do. They write with passion and essence. I write with grief and a lot of emotions! Weird, I am I know that but how much of this is really me is still to be discovered. I became anonymous on my blog and if that is me I do not know. I know that all this and everything around is a part of me and I am on a journey to become one with all that is around and within.
I am ready to go forth, I guess. Ready to meet the unknown and live with the idea of unpredictable and unbelievable realities.
I am reading Ulysses by James Joyce which is so hard to absorb, so very hard to absorb! It is I guess one of those novels which means so much more than there is written/meant by each line of it. I like it. But, it’s hard to grasp it. Therefore, I am reading it very slowly.
Anyway, I started reading Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky. It is much different of course.
I want to walk on the grass barefoot, and feel everything about it. I want to sit under the sun and feel the glare of it and burn with it. I want to feel the wind and fly high with it. I want to do so much more than just live. I want to understand every particle in this universe and feel it mix with every molecule of my body.